As my blog byline suggests-- this is the place I sort out thoughts. And right now I've a lot of thoughts to sort through. First of all I woke up this morning angry. I didn't even know at who. But I've come to realize after pointing the finger at others it's myself I'm angry at.
Yesterday I became the kind of woman I detest and hoped to not become. Perhaps there's only one kind of woman and we're all the same-- but still I have taken great measures through my life not to be her. Then it happen so suddenly I never knew what I was doing until I woke up angry this morning. Like my sisters across the world who find themselves the morning after a sexual encounter. Like my sisters in this town who wake up the morning after an abortion. Like so many woman giving birth this day who will wake up tomorrow and wished they were different women. Here I am in tears and grieving that I submitted to a procedure purely to please someone else.
I think of the women on her back at the mercy of a man who wants his own way-- whether a "sexual partner" or a doctor-- there I lay too on the table, knowing it was wrong and praying I would just say no. Even half way through when I could've yelled stop! But I didn't. I just let them do whatever they wanted... They don't care. They don't have to wake up the next morning angry at no one but themselves for not being able to say NO!
I admit I choose certain things in my life because I can't say no. I don't like saying no. I choose health care providers based on who will suggest less tests I have to say no to. I choose to limit certain foods in the house so I don't have to tell me kids 'no, don't eat that'. Why? Why do I dislike saying 'No'? It's actually something we have to practice in taekwondo/self defense-- especially the women. The men probably think we're idiots to practice saying no to thin air. Does it simple come down the fact I don't want to hurt others feeling? Do I care so much about what other think (about me?) that I always have to do what they say?
There are two midwives I've been seeing. They both "suggest" a non-stress test. My main midwife-- and actually the only one I'm going to see from now on, I will just have to be firm and say 'NO' to seeing the other-- suggests the test like this "I have to let you know at 41 weeks we usually do a non-stress test. Do you want it?". I thought for two seconds and said no. Then yesterday the other midwife, with a pleading looking asks "Won't you please let us do a non-stress test." There she was so pathetically asking, that I said yes. Against every grain and fiber, just because she asked. I was so off guard I forgot all the questions that I should asked before submitting to a medical procedure-- those questions I can now articulate, but it's too late. What if the non-stress test show the heart rate was not recovering? Surely you can't think an induction would be appropriate? The best thing would be natural, unmedicated, uninduced birth-- the kind we're planning anyway. Or would it simple have snowballed into more and more medical tests until I ended up with a c-section or "proof" the baby was doing well. Baby's condition could turn around in a matters of minutes-- after the last test. There are no guarantees. Why didn't they present these options to me in writing and give me a day to think about it? An informed consent stating the reasons for the test, the possible outcomes of a positive and negative test and the possible results of waiting a few days to do the testing-- while I made up my mind whether I wanted to do it. I feel this midwife used her pleading voice and my venerable situation to coerce me. I don't want to be angry at her-- I could have said no. My husband was right there-- he could've said "No, let's wait and talk about it and think of questions to ask". But I don't want to be angry at him. So I just got myself to live with-- a woman like so many, many--perhaps all, who can't say no. Like the women who desperately wanted a natural birth but all her will power failed-- and so did her support system. Who does she have left to be angry at?
How do I teach my daughters to not be like this? I have one who does everything you ask of her without questioning. The other will ask questions and do it her own way-- but she too is compliant. I don't want my daughters waking up angry at themselves for not saying 'No'. I've got to find out how God desires us to handle this and change my ways and then teach them to say 'No'-- to sexual advances, peer and sibling pressures, strangers and midwives who ask sweetly.
